May 12, 2008
There was no time in my childhood when I was not in pain, pain inflicted to me physically and emotionally by the Trolls*. I never fully healed from one beating before he was beating me again and he always was starving me. He also was sexually molesting me and poisoning me. From the day I was born Mrs. Troll rejected me and turned away from me and Mr. Troll abused me. For the first three days of my life neither one of them fed me or changed me or even acknowledged me. I almost died of starvation at that time and that set a pattern of starving me for the next eighteen years. When he did feed me, he didn’t feed me enough to end the starvation let alone try to recover from it. It was a nightmare: the constant threat of starvation, the all-consuming thoughts of food and starving, the constant gnawing of my body for food and pangs of hunger. The pain never goes away (I’m hearing even now to hold it in and not talk about it, don’t let it out. Words Mrs. Troll told me when I was crying or raging about the pain with which they hurt me.). She stayed in her rooms in Illinois and Alaska and shut us out. She never cared about what he did to us as long as she wasn’t bothered with it. He shook and pinched me, left me in dirty diapers for days at a time and was always yelling. When she would acknowledge my presence it was to yell at me that it was my fault (keep it to yourself, don’t say anything) and to shut up. There were a lot of times when the five of them were eating and I could see them and smell the food but they did not feed me. It hurts that they were eating and I was starved (don’t let it get to you, try not to think about it). Also, when I was five I started hurting myself to try to reduce what I was feeling from being beaten, molested, or starved. I would knock my head on a wall or floor, bite the pad of my hand near my thumb (sometimes hard enough to draw blood), or repeatedly hit myself on the thigh (I still knock my head, hit myself, and tear and bite at myself). When my younger sister was born, Mrs. Troll told me repeatedly how pretty Princess was. When I asked her if I was pretty she told me that I was ugly and could never be pretty (don’t let it hurt you, don’t let it affect you) no matter what I did. She told me everything that happened to me was my fault because I was bad (never going to be good enough). It hurts to write this because it hurt when they did it and because I tried to hold it all in, I never talked about it or tried to let the pain out, it still hurts like it did when they were doing it. The constant worry about food consumes my brain even to this day and I either sneak food and binge or don’t eat enough for days at a time. It is still horrible and nightmarish. It wasn’t until recently that I even admitted to having issues with food and having been starved despite several pediatricians asking what was wrong with me that they could see so many ribs and I often was so weak I could barely walk. Mrs. Troll who was always there with me in the doctors’ offices reassured them that I was eating well enough and there was nothing wrong. (I was trying to be “good” and not say anything and trying to not feel it.) It is still painful but trying not to think about it for 24-25 years since I left their house has not made me feel any better, the pain is still with me. Since that approach to pain is not healing me because I am in pain constantly and trying not to acknowledge it, it is time to try a different approach and not try to shut down what I feel or the flashbacks I am having. It is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and I do have vivid flashbacks and the pain is intense. I have to acknowledge the flashbacks as they happen or I will only continue to relive them. I cannot approach food without flashbacks to starvation happening. By trying to ignore them, pretend it didn’t happen, or any of the other lies Mrs. Troll taught me, I perpetuate the pain and the unhealthy relationship with food. I am crying as I write this and feeling the pain that came with the starvation and more flashbacks keep happening. I don’t know if anyone out there is ever going to understand but I have to get it out.

*Trolls and Princess are obviously not real names but they are accurate descriptions